What I Said/What He Heard

What I said: Keep your hands in the shopping cart, sweetie pea.

What he heard: Please use your lightning-fast hands to grab the cashier's stamp when we get to the cash register. Before I can get it out of your hands, stamp your face with it. Then, when I'm putting my pin number for my debit card in the machine, please grab the loaf of Wonder Bread that another kind commissary patron has already paid for from the conveyor belt on the line next to us. After you've secured said loaf of bread, squeeze the dickens out of it! Mommy will have had it at this point and will pretend not to see what's happened as the bagger takes it out of your chubby little busy hands and bags it up for the poor, unsuspecting, complex carb-craving soul. Mommy knows this is wrong and will confess her sins later.

What I said: Do you need to go potty? No? Well, just remember, you're a big boy now and big boys put their tinkles in the potty. Let me know if you have to go and I'll help you.

What he heard: Using the toilet is just a suggestion. Sit and watch these classic Sesame Street clips on youtube while I unload these groceries, and if at any point you have to go, just go! No need to get up. And, by all means, if you have an accident, no need to tell me where you did it. See, after I'm done with the groceries, you're going to go to bed, and it will be time for George to wake up and eat. I'm going to sit in that very chair to feed him, and nothing makes Mommy's heart happier than cold, wet surprises.

What I said: Sleep tight. I love you. Have sweet dreams. Take a nice, long nap.

What he heard: Naptime isn't really for sleeping. Please--in your solitude, rip off your diaper and shred a box of wipes all over the floor. Celebrate the freedom of a big boy bed! Tear up your library book, while you're at it. I was looking for a new reason to have to swallow my pride the next time we go to the library.