Portrait of a Supermom

If you are a mother, chances are, you've had run-ins with a Supermom. The single most distinguishing feature of a Supermom is this: she's better than you. But if you're not a very discerning person, I can give you a few more ways to identify her.

A definite red flag would be the way she dresses. Supermoms take the adage "It's better to be overdressed than underdressed" to the nth degree. I try to look cute and polished on a daily basis, but I would never be mistaken for a Supermom because I don't show up for play dates wearing lined wool dress slacks and cashmere sweater sets. Supermoms' appearances always fulfill the purpose of making you look like a ridiculous slob.

You might be dealing with a Supermom if she enormously exaggerates her e-nun-ci-a-tion. She might even shout her perfectly pronounced words when she's dealing with children, and she definitely speaks sing-songy. She makes huge gestures with her arms and face. And speaking of her communication, for the most part, she keeps her conversation to three subjects: her children, her children's activities, and her children's diet. There is nary a mention of any hobbies she might have, or her husband (although she's more than willing to give you unsolicited relationship advice, whether or not you need it).

Her pecking order among her peers is a dead giveaway. She is the group moderator. She leads all discussion, interrupting and changing the subject when necessary. You get the impression that when you are talking, she's not hearing a word you say.

The day before we left San Antonio, my mom and I took the kids to an indoor play place called Dynamoze. Dynamoze is a kid's fantasy land, full of bouncy castles and tricycle tracks, and every kind of toy he could dream of that his mother won't buy him.

Naturally, Dynamoze attracts herds of stay-at-home moms and their young. We had the nauseating pleasure of observing a group that did indeed have a Supermom in full effect. She matched the above description to a T. My mom overheard her telling her minions that she was thinking about giving her kid's teacher some advice about how she does such and such. I'll bet that teacher will be thrilled to get her advice! I overheard her giving another mom suggestions about how she should remodel her new house.

A while later, I was carrying George from point A to point B, when I stepped in a wet spot on the carpet. I should mention that Dynamoze has a no shoes policy. As I felt the sogginess spread throughout the fibers of my socks, I remembered, just moments earlier, seeing Supermom usher her way-too-old-for-accidents daughter away from that very spot. Her daughter was pulling at her pants and it was obvious she had wet herself. Supermom was F-L-U-S-T-E-R-E-D.

Although I was thoroughly disgusted at the realization of what I had just stepped in, for a moment, just a moment, I was very smugly satisfied.