The Phone Consult

A few days ago, by the time evening rolled around, I was more exhausted than usual. I was having trouble remembering my own name. I opened my mouth to speak to my neighbors, and a jumbled mess of consonants without vowels fell out of it. I nearly fell asleep while washing George's hair at bathtime.

I looked at my kids using my Crazy Eyes Face and warned them that they needed to sleep all night without crying for any reason. Did they comply?...Is the Pope Lutheran?

Around 4:00 am, as I was telling Luke once again that, no, I would not "wrap him up like a hot dog", I decided I needed professional intervention. I decided that as soon as standard office hours began, I would call our celebrity pediatrician.

Oh yes, of COURSE we have a celebrity pediatrician. What, you don't? You should get one because ours is FAAAAAAAHHHHbulous! He's a genius in matters of child psychology. I don't have to fight with Luke to get him to cooperate when we're following our celebrity pediatrician's advice--I just say the doctor's name, and Luke does what I say, sort of like a Jonestown member drinking Kool-Aid, but more like a child obeying a loving parent.

The one drawback to using our doctor is that he's not local. Fortunately, he does plenty of phone consults, and we have Vonage, so it's no big deal to call when we're having behavioral problems.

I've probably made you completely curious by now. Oh fine, I'll tell you who he is and where you can find him. His name is Dr. Bones, and he lives in Busytown. He's not the handsomest celebrity doctor I've ever seen--I mean, he is no Dr. Oz--but he's not too terribly hard on the eyes, either:




I sat down in front of Luke and dialed. I explained that I was calling the doctor about his sleeping problems, and that the doctor was going to have some ideas about some changes we'd have to make. A voice sounding very similar to my mother's answered on the other end of the line.

"Is this Dr. Bones?" I asked. "Yes, it is," the voice answered. I proceeded to ask why Luke still can't sleep through the night and what we needed to do to help him. Dr. Bones had very sage advice for me. He said that Luke has been through so many changes in the last year, and to a certain extent, he will grow out of it as he feels more secure, but that maybe taking away all sugar and cutting back on the television might help.

I must admit, I've grown a bit lax in the sugar and television departments lately. But if you had put your house on the market when you were hugely pregnant, given birth to a preemie, shown and sold your house while you had a newborn (and a busy one-year-old), completed two interstate moves, and for a grand finale, had your husband leave for five weeks when you got to your final destination, all in one calendar year, you might have kowtowed to the marshmallow and fruit snack and pink milk shakedown, and let PBS Kids babysit your two-year-old while you unpacked boxes, too.

No matter, we've buckled down in those departments, as well as researched some other common causes of sleep interruption in toddlers, such as too much light in the room, and I think his behavior and sleep are improving. Kudos to Dr. Bones!

And if any of you call on him, please let him know the referral came from me so he'll give me a break on my co-pay. That Dr. Bones charges an arm and a leg.